So I was watching this show called My Strange Addiction, it's kind of fascinating to see what all people can be addicted to and why.  Anyway, one of the girls said she was scared to tell her friends and family about her addiction because she didn't want to be "that girl".    You know, like when people are talking about you to someone else and they say, " Oh you know so and so right, the one with [insert problem here]"  And I TOTALLY get that.

When I was in 3rd grade, my father was killed.  And although my friends and teachers were just trying to be nice and make things easier for me, when I came back to school things were different.  I knew why they were different, I knew why everyone was treating me differently and I hated it.  I wanted nothing more than to just be normal.  To come home and get back into my normal schedule and be with my normal friends at my normal school and feel normal again.  And although I never heard anyone actually say it, I knew I had become, "Oh you know Nichole right, the girl who's dad just died"  I don't fault my friends or teachers for being empathetic, I appreciate them caring enough about me.  And there was always an unspoken bond with my friends from that year, one that I still feel to this day.  It was just awkward for me to be "that girl".

I grew up feeling that I never wanted to be "that girl" again.  I wanted people to know me for who I was, not the dramatic events that happened in my life.  While those events did shape my life in one way or another, that is not who I AM.  I want you to remember me because I'm funny, or I because I always have crazy hair, or I talk too much, whatever...........just not as, "that girl".  That is why I never shared my private life with people, why I never opened up as much as I could/should have to my friends.  Because those things would always be in the back of your mind when you thought about me. 

I'm trying very hard to break that habit, to be more open with my loved ones and true friends.  I think it's healthier to let everything out instead of bottling it up.  I did that for too long and when I finally exploded it dramatically changed my life (in both good and bad ways).  I'm starting to get back on track now.  Trying to rebuild, refortify, and expand.  I hope you'll stick with me.  I hope you can see that underneath it all I am the same person.  I don't always get it right, but I try my best to be a good person.